I found out about Jennifer Knapp from a podcast I listen to. She is a Christian musician and came out as queer (gay) well into her career. I’m an interview she said she cane out publicly during a concert through lyrics in one of her songs.

She faced a lot of criticism and pushback from her conservative Christian fans. Go look at her YouTube videos, people are on there saying that they are praying for her to “come back.”

I find he so courageous and inspirational. I’m not “out” publicly. I’ve only told my queer friends and family, and my brother. I am so terrified about being disposed of. A feeling of disposability. I know, intellectually, that I wouldn’t want to be in relationships with people who would dispose of me for being bisexual, but my heart is so fearful.

I was at an event the other night where a beautiful trans woman spoke. I was so inspired her, her confidence and courage to be her true self. I also felt painfully sad because I don’t know how to find that courage in myself. I also was turning in on myself feeling angry and frustrated, suffocated and caged in and not having the courage to free myself.

I got one of Jennifer’s albums, “Kansas,” and on it is a song called “Refine Me” which I listened to on repeat as a sort of prayer.

I come into this place
Burning to receive your peace
I come with my own chains
…
But my soul feels so empty now
What have I become?
Lord, come with your fire
Burn my desires; refine me
Lord, my will has deceived me
Please come and free me
Refine me
…
Please come and free me
Come rescue this child
For I long to be reconciled to You